Timshel

upon finishing my research paper on John Steinbeck, I was enlightened by the most amazing term I’ve ever heard. I’m sure you are all aware of the story of Cain and Abel, if you do not or you have forgotten here’s the bible’s account:

1Adam knew his wife Eve intimately, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain. She said, “I have had a male child with the LORD’s help.”[34] 2Then she also gave birth to his brother Abel. Now Abel became a shepherd of a flock, but Cain cultivated the land. 3In the course of time Cain presented some of the land’s produce as an offering to the LORD. 4And Abel also presented [an offering][35] — some of the firstborn of his flock and their fat portions.[36] The Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, 5but He did not have regard for Cain and his offering. Cain was furious, and he was downcast.[37] 6Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you furious? And why are you downcast?[38] 7If you do right, won’t you be accepted? But if you do not do right, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must master it.” 8Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.”[39] And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

to be honest, I never understood why God refused Cain’s offering, was it because the act of cultivation was an act of advancement, technology, wisdom? whilst becoming a shepherd is more connected with being emotionally inclined? ah, who knows. but what strikes out to me is that in Steinbeck’s novel East of Eden, he managed to teach me something new that I’ve always overlooked. you see, the King James version says this:

“it is when Jehovah has asked Cain why he is angry. Jehovah says, ‘If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.”

God said that Cain will conquer sin but in the American Standard Bible it says ‘Do thou rule over him.’ which means something completely different. it literally means that Cain must conquer sin.

however, the original words of Jehovah was neither one of these translated versions’ words. and seriously, this is exactly why I’m so against religions because no matter what, the true words of God always get changed throughout history… totally destroying the significance of each message that He is trying to convey. the actual words that the Lord said was ‘Thou mayest rule over sin.’

jeez, and I thought that 1) I have to be a good person, 2) I will be a good person no matter what, when really in reality the message from God was that we are given a choice between being good or being evil.

“timshel”, the Hebrew word, means ‘Thou mayest’, probably the most important word of the entire passage. how could the Bible make such a change? I really do not know. but it is the freedom of choice that humans are given by God. each of us have the free will to choose our own moral destinies, yet we have been taught to be good no matter what.

don’t you just feel so foolish? so deceived? it made me feel so invigorated with accomplishment for being ‘good’ for so long when this entire time God was not going to hate me for not being good. it makes me feel completely stupid for actually trying to be the nicest person I could be when it was entirely up to me whether or not I wanted to be. naturally, after living my entire childhood striving to be good, it’s actually hard to start stealing whatever I like… but I must say, reading that definitely gave me more perspective about God, and it seems I embrace the message of God little by little. perhaps I may never like the institution of religion, but the purpose and the scriptures of God make me feel so warm inside from my soaring spirits. great, and now I am getting goosebumps.

timshel, everyone.

Re-Opening

HEY GUYS,

I’m going to start up my blogspot blog because it has more widgets and whatnots.
Hit me up @ goldfishinmybowl.blogspot.com

I’ll use this blog too, but not as much!

What I’ve Recently Realized…

I could change the life of someone with just one conversation…but I find myself stuck behind this line I’ve promised not to cross.

Let’s say that one side of this line contains an extensively significant amount of attention and loyalty, the other side contains exactly the same. Upon crossing this thin line will welcome the new responsibilities that will overtake me. I know myself well enough to say that I will lodge myself in a different book, a different story without much thought and plan. It’s not completely false to assume or think that I would ever jump prematurely into something of this sort, because I really can get myself mixed into another person’s life. I want to help because my spirit longs for it. It makes me feel so alive, so consumed which makes it so hard for me to stop.

I really want to get to know this person, but I know it’ll be another mistake.
Conundrums and bad habits.
They will be the death of me.

Sadly...

Ignorance Is Not Bliss.

The series of mystifying but necessary events, located throughout her past, were purposeful and profound, but disgusting and absolutely distasteful. To have them regurgitated from the tombs where she feebly shut them away would cause her to shake, shut down, and fall silent in one swift course. It was a lock-of-the-door-and-toss-of-the-key situation, just an anemic attempt to omit and proceed with living the life she struggled for: a life without the truth.

Yet, here she sits in the stench of a filthy, forgotten compartment where the light falls short of existence and the hidden openings of the room curtains smother the strained streams of a closing sun. What a waste she was in this laboratory of tarnished copper and sewage. What a shame she was caught and constrained without her glorious fruits and cheeses. What a pity she was stuck ever so tightly in an undesirable place, time-deprived.

She rested her chin upon her knees and faced towards the light. And like the faint flames of a dying waxen candle, the sun began to extinguish. Her legs, gripped with almost no force, supported hanging arms that spelled out her surrender.

She was a rat,
confined,
trapped,
throttled,
for only his benefit, not for her own.

Sigmund Freud’s “The Interpretation of Dreams”

That a dream fades away in the morning is proverbial. It is, indeed, possible to recall it. For we know the dream, of course, only by recalling it after waking; but we very often believe that we remember it incompletely, that during the night there was more of it than we remember. We may observe how the memory of a dream which in the morning was still vivid fades in the course of the day, leaving only a few trifling remnants. We are often aware that we have been dreaming, but we do not know of what we have dreamed; and we are so well used to this fact- that the dream is liable to be forgotten- that we do not reject as absurd the possibility that we may have been dreaming even when, in the morning, we know nothing either of the content of the dream or of the fact that we have dreamed.

Dream Analysis

Last night I had this crazy dream. You know when you wake up and you immediately forget what happened or when you don’t even feel like you even dreamed at all? I usually get that. So after awaking with a huge migraine from the most epic dream ever, I had to grab my computer to get some explanations for the events that reeled through my subconscious head. Here’s what I still remember:

It was dark out, and I had felt like taking a swim in a pool. The location: unknown, but it must have been a familiar place for me in this dream world because I didn’t hesitate to strip down to nothing but skin. It was musty out, I think it had just rained. I don’t remember entering the pool but I was suddenly completely under water, gliding back and forth through the clear,translucent water. My helper, Eden, runs to the ledge and just hollers at me. “Audrey, you’re naked! Why are you naked? There are people that live here.” I think I didn’t realize I was naked because I looked down at myself and demanded for a towel in shock. She threw it at me and I wrapped myself within and continued to swim for a bit. I pulled myself out and noticed someone approaching. It was Hoj wearing his usual attire– the sweatshirt, the sports bag hanging down his back– and he had come to talk about something. The conversation was too specific and random for me to remember. I woke up by this point, but then fell back asleep.

So the dream continues at a different time, different location. I’m in a restaurant where the sun is shining through the window that face the street. The natural light was so strong that it completely lit up the pale yellow walls. There was a table in the center of the room and my mother, father, and younger brother stood around it. On the table was a baby, he was tiny and only a couple days old. My mom announces that he is my new baby brother, his name was Manny. I was overjoyed that he existed in our family all of a sudden. I mean, we weren’t a family of 5 anymore, but a family of 6…which meant my brother wasn’t the youngest anymore…I found that amazing.

Manny was adorable, I was allured to him. My mom didn’t seem so happy like she was when my other brother was born. She just looked unamused. My dad and I cleaned the baby… washed him and clothed him. I stared outside and watched as my boyfriend and his friends walk towards the restaurant. I told him that the baby’s name was Manny. We laughed because even in this dream world, we realized that his name was the name of this hilarious 10 year old in our favorite tv show (Modern Family cast below).

The baby already knew how to talk. He kept asking “what?”, which blew me away. Even when I asked for a steakhouse recommendation, he answered. By this point, I remembered that it was just a dream, but I enjoyed it while it lasted. Manny was special and I was starting to grow attached in the short moment we still had together.

My mom pulled me aside and asked me if I knew she was pregnant that whole year. I answered that I hadn’t noticed and even if she were fat with it, I didn’t think she was fat at all. I mentioned that I noticed she hadn’t taken a drink of alcohol for a while, but that was all I was keeping record of. She then says, “You never notice me. You never think of me.” I know it must have hurt her, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel bad about it.

Then, I officially woke up.

So, after a little bit of dream research, here’s my dream analysis:

Baby-
To dream of an extremely small baby, symbolizes your helplessness and your fears of letting others become aware of your vulnerabilities and incompetence. You may be afraid to ask for help and as a result tend to take matters into your own hands. To dream that you are dipping a baby in and out of water, signifies regression. You are regressing to a time where you had no worries and responsibilities. Alternatively, it is reminisce of when the baby is in the fetus and in its comfort zone. (I was cleaning him)

Naked-
To dream that you are naked, denotes the fear of being found out and exposed about your activities and misjudgment. To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up, signifies your vulnerability to a situation.
Swimming-
To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy. To dream that you are swimming underwater, suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your emotional difficulties.

Friend-
To see friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge these rejected aspects of yourself.

Mother-
To dream that you are having a conversation with your mother, denotes a matter that has preoccupied your mind and you are not sure how to deal with it in your waking life. It indicates unresolved problems that still need to be worked out with your mother.

So, from taking these explanations and just combining to make a straightforward summary of what my dream could mean…
I am currently dealing with vulnerability to a situation. I  fear of being found out and exposed about my activities and misjudgment. I am feeling helplessness and fear of letting others become aware of my vulnerabilities and incompetence. It may be a sign that I am seeking some sort of emotional support, as I am completely submerged in my own feelings. I am regressing to a time where I had no worries and responsibilities, perhaps as an outlet. I am ready to incorporate and acknowledge rejected aspects of myself.

It’s strange but everything in that little blurb analysis relates to what I actually am dealing with in real life. I am currently in a situation where I am completely vulnerable and I am constantly trying to avoiding being found out of being in involved in this situation. I’ve been misjudging people recently, most of them are friends. Naturally, I don’t want them to figure what these misjudgments are. I’ve always been afraid of letting a dumb quote slip from my mouth. It’s hard for me to ask for help when I absolutely need it. And right now, I do. I need help from certain people because I just need support or an explanation or a void to escape this current situation. I want to just relax and be irresponsible, but I can’t because of exams and schoolwork. The last part…well…that could be anything. But since the friend was Hoj, maybe it has to do with some trait that he finds discourages others or a trait that’s considered “negative”…I’m going to go with my reoccurring problem with pessimism.  Well, I’m still trying to lighten up dream world Hoj, I truly am still trying…

Christmas Time Is Here

Hard to believe it’s actually winter time here; Hong Kong isn’t much of a winter wonderland at the moment. It’s just a sudden change of temperature….absolutely freezing to the bone accompanied by chilly rain….honestly, I have completely forgotten that it’s winter time. I mean, in 2 days it will be Christmas morning. Tomorrow night is Christmas EVE. I forgot to buy gifts (naturally) for my friends and siblings, but then I remember that Christmas isn’t all about giving presents. I’m not much of a gift buyer anyway. I don’t save money to buy them, and unlike my friends I don’t have a bank card to take money out any time I want. So, I’m compelled to resort to giving “love”. Unfortunately, I can’t exactly give love to everyone huh. I actually use this time to spend time with family rather than friends. I’m not sure what to give them then if I don’t give them any of my time. I guess I’m just conflicted at the moment… I guess I should just relax–it is Christmas break.

Anyway, I just ate a candy cane and it was tasty! My sister is on her way back right now from the airport. I’m watching Elf (which is my favorite xmas movie, considering there aren’t many christmas movies out there really…) alone. My brother refuses to join me but oh what the hell, it’s still a great movie.

Alright, I’ll be going back to celebrating a very unchristmas-y Christmas.

Happy Holidays, dear reader!

Found Time

I finally found the time to update my blog with my collection of writings I’ve done.

The changes I’ve gone through over the last 2 years frightens me at times. To think that I once lived with the bitter tastes of pessimism at the core of my stomach every day…but now hold so much hope for myself and others all of a sudden. I’ve always been that negative person that continuously comments on the chances of failure and the far-out impractical ambitions of others.

At age 7, I was already writing diary entries about how terrible my life was and how there was just no way I could get out of it. Course, naturally I grew older and chucked those diaries out the window because I knew it was just a bunch of junky, immature (and messy) ramblings, but I never exactly wholly grew up– at least not spiritually. I was still that 7 year old inside: angry and fatalistic about my future and my life. Though, now, it seems some flickering inside of me has ignited that very dimmed lightbulb (labeled “imagination”) inside of me. Inspiration has flourished, and this heart I hold has grown fonder of the dreams others speak of.

So share with me your dreams, feed me your insights. I promise to listen and never discourage.

Box of Rain cover
(yesssss I love this song)

Oh, Sailor.

I think if I were to be left alone to live according to my own rules, my own values, my own familiar colors and tastes, I’d fall through empty spaces of perspective and diversity I know that I depend on to make me the person that I am. I’d slip by shady cracks of conflicts, learning nothing about how I could develop into someone better. All the dilemmas I would face would be sedated and under an artificial sense of control when personally I know I crave whitened-knuckled situations because they remind me that I truly am breathing on this earth.

I think if I were to be left alone, it would haunt me with harsh cawing of reminders of speckled blackbirds perched upon my empty jar of security. I would then have to live with a soft voice–housing within my ears–telling me that I have no one. Not one have I captured with my warmth and affection, receiving them so I can put them into my treasured jar awaiting trinket pieces of soul. There has not been a single person that has honestly promised to stay before nightfall and sow their threads with my own till dawn.

And I think that for now (even if I do not like it), I will remain alone. Not because I see myself as a hopeless fellow who struggles to find individuals to be a part of, or a foreign creature to the people I am surrounded by, but because I see myself as a desperate salesman calling up millions of phone users…. knocking on hundreds of doors… only to find that the product I am selling isn’t desired by any.

Now I’ve been told that this love that I offer is just too complex. Now why is that? Love is not hard to have, hard to create, hard to nurture. Yet I struggle to understand why I seem so far from the rest. Maybe I’ve been running rather than walking down these paths and crossroads in my life. Maybe it’s because I want to reach stability and the happy ending. Thing is that, you should never forget that you all have the will to commence a relationship and make it last for a while. And if you ever come across someone who offers and gives themselves to you with complete uncertainty and blindness of how you will treat them, just understand that they’ve traveled far and wide to find that you are the home they’ve been looking for. Lose yourself, and you will discover that the world now stares at you with confusion and curious eyes, because you have begun to live far off into the distance, away from the usual haughty crowds. You have disembarked, now sailing away from the familiar shores where you once pranced around, causing trouble.

From the sea.

Buzz, Buzz, Buzz

“Why look,” said Neville, “at the clock ticking on the mantle place? Time passes, yes and we grow old. But to sit with you, alone with you, here in London, in this fire lit room, you there, I here, is all. The world ransacked to its uttermost ends, and all its heights stripped and gathered of their flowers folds no more…Forever and ever, I swore. Then darted in the usual doubt. I clutched your hand. You left me. The descent into the tube was like death—we were cut up, we were dissever by all those faces and the hollow wind that seemed to roar down there over desert boulders. I sat searing in my own room..By five I knew you were faithless. I snatched the telephone and the buzz, buzz, buzz of its stupid voice in your empty room buttered my heart down, when the door opened and there you stood. That was the most perfect of our meeting. But these meetings, these partings, finally destroy us.

“You are you. That is what confides me for the lack of many things—I am ugly, I am weak—and the depravity of the world, and the fight of youth and Percival’s death, and bitterness and rancor and envies innumerable…But if one day you do not come after breakfast, if one day I see you in some looking glass perhaps looking after another, if the telephone buzzes and buzzes in your empty room, I shall then, after unspeakable anguish, I shall then—for there is no end to the folly of the human heart—seek another, find another, you. Meanwhile, let us abolish the ticking of time’s clock with one blow, come closer. ”

- The Waves by Virginia Woolf

The Waves by Virginia Woolf